The Next Bold Move – Me Vs. The World

Since I returned from Bocas I haven´t really done anything of note to write about.  I tried to go swimming, but got distracted by the joy of sleeping in the sun (I think I was a housecat in a former life).  I did meet an interesting, if not crazy, old guy who is a war protester and I´m working on an essay about my thoughts of some of his ridiculous actions and his not so ridiculous notions.  I will post it soon.

Today I woke up sneezing.  It´s one of those ridiculous sneezing fits that never seem to end and when they finally do you feel like a bobble head figure of yourself with no control of your head – physically or mentally.  I haven´t been able to stop sneezing or blowing my nose since.  I have spent a greater part of my day wondering why my body is producing such a ridiculous amount of snot and where it is storing it all.  Anyways, I woke up sick and mad.  Mad that my body would betray me like this.  I can´t imagine what it must feel like to have cancer or a terminal illness.  To know your own body double crossed you like that!  I think that would be a big part of the battle for me.  Of course this thought makes me truly grateful for my health and the fact that a head cold and possible ear infection is the only illness I have had this trip means my immune system is pretty tough. 

I don´t like being sick or stuck in the house.  Even though a couple days this week I didn´t do anything but write and read in the same house I am now restricted to, today I am stir crazy.  Against my better judgement I went to the pool to sunbathe.  On the way I got distracted and went to Dunkin Donuts.  I had some bread and cheese and papaya earlier for breakfast, but by the time lunch rolled around I really didn´t feel like eating.  Everything taste like snot when you are sick and nothing sounds good except today for whatever reason Dunkin Donuts sounded heavenly.  Besides, calories don´t count if you are sick!  I decide a donut and some sort of iced, sugar drink with a tiny bit of coffee in it would make me feel better.  This is after fighting Hugo who insist I take medicine.  I calmly refuse stating that I don´t believe in putting chemicals in my body.  Clearly, a donut and sugary frappe drink don´t count as chemicals or calories today.  I walk up to the counter and try to order in between sneezing fits and holding a napkin up to my nose like I´m suffering from a massive nosebleed and might pass out from blood loss at any second.  The girl is pregnant and I wonder if she´s got a boyfriend or is going to raise the kid off of her Dunkin Donuts salary, which is none of my business whatsoever, but it is the thought that crossed my mind instead of concentrating on how to order.  She doesn´t speak English.  My head is pounding and my ears are as congested as the rest of my head so I do not feel like trying to say it in Spanish.  I point to what I want on a menu on the counter.  She looks frustrated and why shouldn´t she be.   I can almost hear her thoughts, fucking tourist and gringos come to Panama and think that everyone should speak English.  I really do try to speak Spanish when I order food, but today I just don´t have the energy.  In her frustrations I think of all the Americans who have stickers on their cars, or myspace, or wherever saying “Welcome to America … NOW SPEAK ENGLISH!”  These people have never left the comfort of their home.  They have never been the outsider trying to enjoy a vacation or move for a better life for themselves and their family.  I have had to deal with people who speak with a thick accent or limited vocabulary and I will be the first to admit it is frustrating.  But now I am in their shoes.  I´m trying to enjoy my trip I started out with very limited Spanish.  So the next time you face someone who can´t speak to you as well as they or you would like, think about what that must be like.  Try living in a world where you are trying to communicate but you do not have the words or means to communicate.  It´s like being a child again.  You want something but have no way of saying “I want that.” 

As I choke down my snot flavored donut and drink I think of the ”American Dream.”  Those of us who are born into it are born into privelage.  Regardless of race, sex, religion, sexual orientation - we are born into an America, that while not perfect, is so much better than most of the rest of the world.  Sure some of us are born into big houses with white picket fences and others born in crack houses and gangs.  I´m not saying anything in this world is easy, but it is easier for most Americans than the widows and children in Iraq who´s school was blown up along with half their family (as just one example).  Here we are wallering in our economic crisis when so many people of this world have the dirty clothes on their back and their dreams.  I´m not saying it isn´t hard to loose your job, my family has been hit like many others, but really is it that bad?  Maybe this is a time when we should learn to appreciate what we have rather than feel sorry for ourselves and what we have lost.

I digress, this was not an essay about the economic crisis of the states.  This is an essay about the frustrations of language.  Maybe if I wasn´t so sick or this girl wasn´t so uncomfortably pregnant we would find a way to communicate without words.  Children are able to do this best as they are limited in their ability to complete sentences or use the vocabulary they need.  I am trying to speak the language without words on my trip and learning to appreciate the gift of communication and those in America who may not speak English as clear as we would like.

 I´m going to rest now and hopefully tomorrow I will have the strength to finish the essay about the crazy man in a berret at the Jazz concert Tuesday night.  I sincerely hope that whoever and wherever you read this you are celebrating good health! 

I´m starting to feel feverish now and I don´t have my Mama to nurse me back to health … or tell me to stop whining and go to my room.  Haha, jk I love you Mom.

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