The Next Bold Move – Me Vs. The World

This is it.  I’m coming to the end of this trip quite rapidly.  It’s weird to think that so much has happened in such a short amount of time.  Just 3 months ago I was getting up to go into work for another Thursday and now I’m getting up in a foreign country facing a new life with all new challenges.

I have gone through so many emotions on this trip it´s crazy to think about how little time it has taken me to experience so much life.  I think it is the fact that for the last four years I had to conceal my emotions, my opinions, my fears, my triumphs.  I don’t have to hide it anymore.  I am free to be who I am again.  Since I left I came to terms with serving in a war.  I danced with ecstasy on the top of a mountain after the realization that anything is possible.  I was so lonely I cried.  I was so happy I cried.  I watched bottle nose dolphins playing in the surf and river dolphins playing in the Amazon.  I overcame my fear of the ocean and swam in the crashing waves.  I learned to forgive myself and not regret past decisions, but accept that there is no right or wrong decision – just the decision and the consequences.  I witnessed people with nothing demonstrate a love that goes far beyond material things and modern conveniences of our world.  I sat in a crowded bar of tourists and realized I was completely at peace with myself.  I spent speechless days in peace because I no longer feared the silence of my own thoughts.  I thought I was going to die crossing a bridge on the trek to Machu Picchu and was not fearful or sad because I was going to die, but content that I lived a good life and would die pursuing my dreams.  I fell in love with the world.  I dreamed of all the places to I want to go and things I’d like to do.  So many that now I only hope I have the energy to see and do them all in this lifetime.

I think the most important part of this journey is the fact that I have come to peace with two people – myself and god.  I have come to terms with the challenges in my life that at one point or another seemed unnecessary and cruel.  Now, I realize they were necessary and hard for a reason.  They have made me who I am and will help me face more challenges and greater obstacles down the road.  The path I choose to take is not an easy one and this is just the beginning.

I am getting ready to return in the next few days.  I wake up every morning and enjoy it as one of the last.  It is different than when I woke up the beginning of January.  Back then everything was new and exciting.  I had weeks ahead of me to do so much.  Now, I wake up and know it is almost the end.  I wake up and enjoy the morning air of freedom.  I am free to do whatever I want.  Many people in this world will never know that feeling.  I am comfortable where I am and will be sad to have to say goodbye soon.  The past few days have been infected with a case of insomnia.  Each night I listen to the sounds of night – the honking cabs, the drunk backpackers trying to get back to the hostel, the locals arguing over whatever.  I listen with my eyes closed trying to force myself back to sleep and eventually give in and remove the eye mask and watch the shadows and lights outside the window.  I let my mind trail off and think about all the things I have put off facing for the last 2 months.  All the things I left behind unattended.  All of the worries – what am I going to do next?  Am I going to be able to push through this semester of school?  Should I even continue school?  Am I going to stay in San Diego?  Am I going to travel across the states?  How long can I last without a job?  Can I even find a job?  Can I find a job that has meaning to me?  What do I want to do?

Eventually my mind exhausts itself and I wake up when the morning light floods the room.  I carry on through the day enjoying it more than the last because each one is closer to the end.  Soon this will all be memories.  I will be able to close my eyes at any time and remember what the streets look like, hear the sound of the children in the park across the street, the feeling of joy walking along the busy neighborhood.  This is it.  I know that nothing lasts forever and this is what makes us enjoy it, knowing it is going to end.

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