The Next Bold Move – Me Vs. The World

At the gym in Al Asad there was a kid who worked there. He was from Nepal or India or Sri Lanka or somewhere in that part of the world. He mopped the floor every morning when Achilles and I were doing lunges and squats. It made the exercises more treacherous than they needed to be, but he was just doing his job. He seemed happy getting paid far less than anyone in America would work for doing his job, but far more than anyone in his country makes. Every three or four days he wore a red shirt that said in big white letters:

SAME SAME
BUT DIFFERENT

I never understood what it meant, but I loved it when he wore this shirt because it gave me something to ponder while we were at the gym. Also the repetition was a way to mark the days gone by in a place where everyday is Groundhog’s Day. I don’t know what made me think of his shirt the other day but I finally understood it. It’s my life. I’m the same. San Diego is the same. My friends are the same. My family back in Indiana is the same. But it’s all different. Everything seems to have completely changed and I can’t figure out why?

Same same but different.

My brother and sister-in-law bought a house and found out they are expecting. My friends here have new friends and boyfriends they hang out with. Some people have moved away completely. I don’t have a permanent address, just borrowing a room for a few weeks. I can’t even unpack, not that I would want to start that process. I have my car, which is dirty and filled with loose papers, running shoes, a pair of boots, high heels, empty cd cases. That hasn’t changed at all. The Ould Sod still has karaoke on Thursdays/Saturdays and live music on Fridays; the same bar tenders work the same shifts. I went in late on Saturday night and only recognized one or two people. Jill was out of town and apparently everyone else had plans.

Same same but different.

I don’t feel like I live here. More like I’m just visiting, but I don’t know when I’m going to leave. I really have no idea what is next. If any opportunities come up I have no reason to pass on them. Yet, I do live here. This is my life. I’m not visiting. I live right here, right now. Then again maybe I am just visiting. If I had stayed in the Marines I would be rotating to another duty station this summer. San Diego was never permanent. Everything has always been temporary.

Same same but different.

I’m broke again. I feel like I’m where I was 5 years ago. Broke, homeless, full of ideas but not the time or energy to follow through with all of them. The difference is now I have a car, and consequently a car payment, a little less debt, a little more money in savings and 5 years of life that has changed me completely and not at all.

Same same but different.

You don’t notice the changes in someone when you are with them everyday. You don’t notice the tiny wrinkles in their forehead. the extra pounds they gain or lose, little things that seem like a part of life. Then someone goes away and comes back. Then the changes come out all at once. A new hairstyle, new apartment, new friends, new habits, new diets, new training routines. You go away and all these things that would have otherwise gone unnoticed and accepted as normal are now standing in the middle of the room like a big pink elephant. You can’t ignore it. You can’t accept it. You can’t talk about it because to everyone else it is normal. So you have to figure out a way to decorate around pink until eventually the elephant has just always been there.

Same same but different.

Of course there are the changes in the one that left. I have changed. I don’t notice it because I’m with myself everyday. I lost weight even though I didn’t need or mean to, my hair is lighter from the sun, my skin a little tanner, but I’m still Libby. Of course there are all the internal changes. I let go of the disappointment and anger that built up over the last four years. I learned how to live as a civilian again. I learned how to communicate without words or with words I didn’t understand. I saw parts of the world that I dreamt about and I saw things I never imagined even existed. All these things changed within me without me noticing. I’m already accustomed to my pink elephant.

Same same but different.

So, I live in a strange state of limbo. I’m not the person I was when I left. My friends aren’t the people they were when I left. My life isn’t the same as when I left. But it is all the same. Just like his shirt – nothing makes sense but somehow all seems appropriate.

Same same but different.

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