Save Me
April 29th, 2009 by Lisbeth Prifogle
Santa Maria, Ca
I’m lonely. Or I think I’m lonely. Or maybe I’m homesick. Or just sick of not having a home. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what I want. That’s bullshit. I know exactly what’s wrong with me and I know exactly what I want. Maybe I don’t know how to get it. Maybe I don’t know how to accept it when it’s within my grasp. Maybe I just don’t know how to ask for it when a bully is standing in front of me, taunting, “what’s the magic word?”
Truth is I’m a cauldron of confusion and uncontrollable emotions from 27 years of self-neglect and denial – boiling to death at my own hand. Why do I always have to jump in without testing the water when it appears to be safe? Why can’t I jump off the cliff when I have a parachute I just need to have faith will open?
I try to have faith, but I can’t. Instead I stand in the cold, wet breeze and wait for someone to save me. Wait for someone to sweep me off the edge with a parachute and two spares just in case. Wait for that someone to pick me up and glide through the air safe and serene with their arms wrapped around me. Protecting me. Believing in me. Letting me ride along with their faith.
I’m not really lonely on the edge. It’s nice only having to take care of myself. I wake up and I can do whatever I want. Go wherever I desire. Run if I want to run. Write if I want to write. Sleep all day if I want to sleep. I am only responsible for one person – me. What is not to love about this life and the endless possibilities? Nobody is holding me back. Wait that also means nobody is holding me up either.
I am Icarus. Exiled by myself, from myself. Won’t someone make me wings? I promise I won’t get lost in the air. I promise I won’t get too close to the sun.
What do I want? I want someone to sweep me off my feet and save me from myself. I want a reason to stay somewhere so I don’t have to face the reality of my decisions. I want someone to make my wings so if I get too close to the sun my death won’t be my own fault. But I am in love my temporary exile. I am in love with my newfound freedom from the world. I have made my wings, but like the parachute, I don’t have faith that they will soar.
I am caught between wanting to be anchored down by someone and loving my freedom. I am that balloon that got away from the party. I’m streaming into the atmosphere sure to deflate or combust or both. Nobody sees me. I’m just a little dot in the air now. Nobody can reach me. It’s all too late. Why didn’t someone just tie a better knot around me so I didn’t get loose as I floated along?
Why won’t someone please just save me? Why won’t someone help me put my wings on and hold me up so I can catch a stream of air and take flight?
One Response to “Save Me”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
You aren’t lonely to me. You want to appear lonely because it makes people want to help, want to fix, want to intervene. Then you can push them away with a rebellious front that just starts the cycle over again.
Well I just typed that without reading the 2nd or 3rd paragraph and I guess you reached a similar conclusion.
No one is going to save you from yourself because in the end of all of this craziness that is the journey of life, we have to face ourselves. Remember when I asked you in the kitchen “If there is no God, who are we praying to?”……..think of it along those lines.
You are a smart and resourceful girl who can do great things, but you have to stop trying to be something and just let you be you. When your buddy Chris from Into the Wild did this, he had to escape society to find himself. You aren’t in that kind of a need. You have everything that you need except self-acceptance. That is why I loved the fact that you went half-way around the world and still didn’t get it. What you are trying to escape sits right between your left and right ear. It is you, and you have to love you for everything you are.
That is step 1 and the most difficult. Everything else falls wonderfully into place after step 1 happens. 95% of humans never make it to Step 1.
Food for thought from your friend in Jamlando…..
Luke