The Next Bold Move – Me Vs. The World

I wake up. First things first – where am I? I’ve given up on figuring out what day it is. Tuesday could be Friday, Sundays might as well be Wednesdays. Every morning I wake up and ask myself, “where are you?”

I have always had weird dreams ever since I was a kid. One summer (I think it was the summer I worked second shift at a factory) I had breakfast with Dad every morning, oatmeal of course, and we would discuss our dreams from the night. It was our oral dream journal, which is a great way to remember your dreams when you wake up. The problem is I don’t want to remember my dreams anymore. Too late, my mind is trained and I don’t know how to train myself not to dream or at least not remember them in the morning.

Every morning I wake up from a weird dream that becomes lucid when I’m being chased, shot at, falling, or some other terrifying turn of events. My dream self stops time and looks at me with a sudden shift in the dream camera’s point of view, “Libby, this is just a dream. Wake up.” And I do. Sometimes out of breath, sometimes drenched in sweat. I wake up and realize I am not at home. I ask myself, “Fuck, where am I? Is this still a dream?” It takes a few seconds that last for hours to put together the pieces. “Oh that’s right, you drove to LA yesterday. You’re not at Rachael’s. That was a long drive. Remember?” A week ago I woke up surrounded by strangers in a hostel. Next week I will wake up on Jill’s couch. After that I will wake up from a horrible nightmarish dream in a strange bed and ask myself “where am I now?”

The fun part of the morning is the next question, “well Libs, what are you going to do today?” The possibilities are as far as I can drive. The horizon is my daily destination.

My friend Deb calls on her days off and asks, “Did you drive to Mexico yet?” I tell her not yet and we both laugh knowing we’re only half joking.

My dad calls and reminds me to wear my seatbelt, something he has always reminded me to do no matter where I’m at. “I love you, wear your seatbelt,” is how every voicemail ends. I suppose he’s worried after all the speeding tickets in my younger days. Well, all my speeding tickets anyways.

Truth is, I could drive to Mexico and of course I always wear my seatbelt.

In the last few weeks I have interviewed an amazing man, toured Alcatrez, hiked through a redwood forest, saw a friend I haven’t seen in years and walked along the cliffs and trespassed along the Sutro Bath ruins (we were also attacked by the ocean after drawing lines in the sand), and drove through half of California.

It’s scary at times – the uncertainty of where I’m going to end up by the end of the day.
It’s exciting at times – the possibility of where I could end up at the end of the day.

When I left Rachael’s house yesterday I started to panic asking, “Rachael, what am I going to do?” She equipped me with a tent and sleeping bag and shoved me out the door saying, “Libby this is what you’re doing. Stop worrying about it. Enjoy it.”

Rachael is right. This is what I’m doing. I’m waking up, figuring out where I’m at and then figuring out where I’m going. I suppose it’s what some people spend their whole life dreaming about -freedom from work, family, responsibilities, the future. The irony is how simple it is to give everything up. No, that’s not ironic that’s just the truth. The irony is that people dream about it without really ever wanting to go through with it. The possibility of a dream keeps us going through the daily grind. The sad truth is – this is all we’ve got. This life. This day. Nothing else. We just have to enjoy it. Some people have more. Some people have less. It’s up to each of us to enjoy what we have. So, why is there so much suffering in the world?

I’m listening to Pandora on my iPhone and a song came on titled “Sweet Somewhere Bound” by Jackie Greene and I really like it. I’m in LA today. I don’t know where I’m going and it doesn’t matter, because I’m finally learning to live in the moment. No day but today, right? So, I’m off – sweet somewhere bound

**Dad, don’t worry, I’m staying with good friends. I promise I’m safe. Try not to worry too much and when you do just remember I’m a Marine – I can take care of myself!**

***Here are the lyrics to the song “Sweet Somewhere Bound” by Jackie Greene. This song is now my theme song for this road trip to wherever I end up… ***

Well I’ve been thinking, yes I’ve been thinking
About some women that I know
Some believe me and some deceive me
And some I wish I’d never seen at all

Where will you go now? where will you go now?
Where will you wander, where will you roam?
Where will you go when the sun goes sinkin’,
And the morning brings a new day to be born?

I can’t tell you, no I can’t tell you
Which train I’m riding, which plane I’m on
But I can tell you, yes I can tell you
I’m standing right where I belong

When I die lord, when I die lord
Lay me somewhere soft and deep
Tell my babies not to cry no
For I ain’t gone, I’m just fast asleep

I know a man lord, I know a man lord,
He had no baby, to call his own
He had nothing, but he had everything
He had the world to call his home

Trackback URI | Comments RSS